negative feelings multiplied, reflected, refracted. drug-induced comadreams of black snow, of falling to pieces. of drowning in sorrow so deep it actualized itself. physically choking on digust for myself and those around me. blades across my chest in the dark of night, ghosts haunting the castle. nights that seemed to last forever... the low rumble of coffinbound thoughts reverberating endlessly. pulling over on the freeway, sobbing hysterically to the hate, the hurt, in myself and others. sweating, shaking, dreaming of being "pure" again, cursing my weakness. fading into myself, growing into something else... no longer sure of anything.
my sight failed -- i saw, but didn't understand.
my hearing failed -- i heard, but didn't comprehend.
my thinking failed -- i intook, but didn't process.
sailing on endless seas of grey fog, wilfully diving deeper, deeper... leaving myself above the waves, i became only vague currents, drifting on the pulse of the deep ocean. covered in the luminescent midnight oil, absorbing all light, hallucinating for days, never really coming down, only ebbing and flowing with waves of sickness. confused, confused, confused. hovering over a sink, puking hard enough to break ribs, mind reeling deeper and deeper into the hateful black spiral. a rising warmth followed by freezing cold and numbness, forgetting myself, becoming lungs and a mouth...
D I S A S S O CI A T E
gasping, croaking, shrieking, summoning poisonous black entities. the sickening astral dust coating the inside of my lungs. brainplagued, floorridden, destroyed. watching my life melt away like the insignificant sand of nothingness that it was. staring directly into the deadpool. fuzzed out, fucked up, thorncrowned, divided, deviated, scattered across the galaxy, absorbed into cold grey stars, dying, lighting an empty universe. feeling the last pulse of blood drying in my veins. The last human.
a clamor: the fluttering of inky wings. the visions so fragile, easily disturbed and cast aside. riding the inside of a vine into the heart of the polar sun. feeling nothing but self-hatred, then only nothing but detachment at my own insignificance. seeing through stone. an orange painted shape, a blur in the canvas, stumbling away from the fire. a magical songstress weaving me deeper into the current with her wordless hymn. towers of vast immensity rising in total silence, footsteps in the dust; suited in coal, a choking halo of burning insects erasing the last vestiges of humanity. born again in darkness, riding the knife edge of insanity, forever changed. my heart no longer beating.
lay my head in the murky guillotine, eyes roll back, cross... blood covers my face, my own or not my own... wooden boats, creaking in the mist, rotting... a chord plays itself, a drum beats to the rhythm of my heart, or my heart beats to the cadence of the drum... worlds mindlessly evolving, systems creating themselves only to come to an end, leaves moving in total silence along the conveyer of light... falling down the stairs, noises echoing endlessly, clanging, the metal world... falling inside myself... fading out with a mournful strum, buried hope, the last human...
(slightly modified from a prior version)
